| ...that's all she wrote |
[09 Feb 2005|11:54pm] |
This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
It hurts to set you free
But you'll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die
This is the end
--The Doors
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[06 Feb 2005|07:33pm] |
...and again (see Nov. 27 post, item 2).
[edit]
i'm not a stalker, i swear.
ok, maybe i am.
also, i don't think curiosity quite killed the cat, but it certainly made the cat want to crawl in a hole and die.
god dammit.
[/edit]
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| bah. |
[06 Feb 2005|11:41am] |
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can someone really be considered your friend if attempts to be nice to them leave you feeling like a complete jackass?
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[05 Feb 2005|11:52am] |
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new colors and picture! still needs some work, but yay!
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[04 Feb 2005|09:09am] |
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| i am trying to break your heart. |
[03 Feb 2005|08:02pm] |
and so, it is Thursday. That means that tomorrow is Friday, and that in less than 24 hours my 3 day weekend will have begun.
I spent the entire morning in Kiva Han studying ochem. I'm not sure that anything sunk in, but at least a got a mocha freezer out of the deal. I was productive in lab today, which really means that I'm still about a day behind, since I didn't go on Tuesday due to abnormally high levels of academic freaked out-ness. Being behind a day in lab isn't that big a deal, it just makes me feel like a dunce. I'd also like to skip lab on carnival thursday, so I will have to catch up sometime between now and....April.
Oh dear lord, WHEN WILL IT BE CARNIVAL!?
As far as more instant-gratification fun is concerned, this weekend shall include:
-a visit to the carnegie library
-southside
-dinner with wendy+parents
-creperie?
-going for a walk. taking pictures. i NEED to go for a walk.
-preparing for valentine's day (no, really!)
-obligatory visit to sigma nu
-sleep [!]
it smells like garbage in here.
i have to go find out who my big is now :)
then i have to do logic homwork that will probably not be about cats in teapots, sadly enough.
i also have to learn organic chemistry.
that is all.
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| spring semester... |
[29 Jan 2005|11:10am] |
...has been going well so far.
Classes include: ochem II, ochem lab, cell bio, exploring connections: the mind, community, and environment, logic, and utopias. All fall squarely within the tolerable-through-awesome range, which is definitely a first here at CMU. Equally important is that this semester has been drama free thus far...also a first. It has been rather debilitating to have to deal with stupid nonsense (roommate troubles, breakups, friendships gone to shit, etc.) on a pretty consistent basis. I think my policy from now on will be to keep myself so busy that I am simply not around to notice/deal with any generally bullshitty occurances that are directed my way.
On a related note, two exciting things:
1) I am now crew publicity chair! I don't say it enough, but I love the crew team.
2) I'm a Tridelt! (or will be once I initiate)
And some random things:
1) I want to go for a walk to take pictures. I've been wanting to do this all week. I have a strange fascination with footprints in the snow, and I'd really like to photograph portions of the cut that people have walked across.
2) I think my favorite thing about cluster printing is getting those coversheets to use as scrap paper and to doodle on.
3) Who the hell has a favorite thing about cluster printing!? Seriously, what is the matter with me.
4) I have officially downloaded an "alternative" web browser, aka my level of dorkdom has just increased tenfold.
More later.
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[03 Jan 2005|05:17pm] |
today sucked.
everyone is a disappointment and can go to hell.
on the other hand, i purchased new shoes today, as well as several books.
that is all.
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[30 Dec 2004|11:20pm] |
1. I find our President's attitutide surrounding our $35 million tsunami relief pledge particularly disgraceful. It should go without saying that a nation as prosperous as ours would contribute to, if not help to coordinate, the aid effort. If there is ever a time to flaunt our international humanitarian efforts (hah), this isn't it.
2. I guess I spoke too soon. Stupid Randy Johnson. Stupid Yankees. I really wish they'd get some good young players and quit bringing in superstars who never end up panning out the way Cashman and Steinbrenner hoped they would (Jason Giambi, Kevin Brown, etc).
3. Against my better judgment I have taken Unisom, as I've been unable to sleep for the past 4 nights. I hope this works, and that it's nonhabitforming.
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[27 Dec 2004|09:59pm] |
i am completely and totally unmotivated to update this thing, mostly because the things i want to say should probably be discussed with a few of you individually rather than ranted about to everyone.
if you want to know what's been going on in my life, you should call and ask.
and if you don't, i don't know why you're reading this to begin with.
also, is anyone doing anything good for new years? i refuse to sit around watching the sex and the city marathon, crying as i do every year when they show the episode where carrie won't marry aiden.
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| haha |
[20 Dec 2004|01:35am] |
Your Porn Star Name is: Albino Kitty
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[03 Dec 2004|07:50pm] |
So much for post-Thanksgiving excitement.
In the past 5 days, I have:
1. developed an ear/sinus infection
2. bombed two exams
And now it's friday night, I'm sick in bed, and everyone is off being busy. There was much fun on the agenda for tomorrow, but I think some of it will have to be canceled due to sickness [shopping, bowling, other things, etc.] It figures that the one weekend when there's no crew and no buggy, I am sick.
I can't tell you how much it annoys me that I'm on the PILL form of amoxicillin (the bubble gum medicine). What a waste of a good infection.
Anyway.
Thursday's biology colloquium made me feel much better about being a bio major. Dr. Burkert had an alum talk to us about his experiences...he was a 2002 comp bio grad, and now he works at Intel. His presentation was basically an analysis of all the qualities biologists share, and how these qualities make us well suited for all sorts of jobs...not just being lab monkeys on a 50 year hunt for protein X. He talked about our devotion to logic and process. And about our ability to accept the fact that we can never control all of the variables. And that we're skeptics at heart [sidenote: I must dig up my "skepticism is a virtue" postcard and place it in a prominent location]. And at the end of his talk, I felt like a biologist.
And today, I got my biochem exam results, and I feel like a biologist no more.
Maybe I'm wrong about who I think I am and what my goals are. Maybe I'm not the logical, skeptical, process-driven person I thought I was. I really don't know what to do with myself academically anymore - I feel that I'm not doing well enough in biology to justify this as something I'm good at, but there isn't anything else I'd rather be doing. There are things I am curious about (some examples: art, math, public policy, philosophy), but I don't see any of them as possibilities for a new academic path. At least not a primary academic path, anyway. And ochem (orgo for my brooklynites) has proven that just because I really like something doesn't mean I'll be good at it.
I used to be a passionate person. And in the past two years, I feel as if passion has been systematically sucked out of me, and that it's all been translated into crazy, raging emotion about things that in the end, do not matter. As far as academic success goes, I think a lot of my problems result from a lack of mental discipline. All of my failures seem to stem from a lack of mental discipline. And I only seem to have mental discipline and the will to excel when I'm passionate and when I'm inspired. [I think that's why I like museums so much. And trees. Instant inspiration.]
I'm planning on applying for several summer internships, but if I don't get any of them, I think what I'd like to do is spend the summer here, doing research. I think I'm finally ready to go back into the lab. With any luck, one of the professors whose projects interest me will be willing to let me get involved with their work. Whatever I end up doing, this summer will be critical in that I need to reinstill in myself a sense of why I'm doing what I'm doing, and that it's the right thing.
Also, I think a talk with Dr. Burkert (my advisor) is in order. [After class on Thursday, she asked me how the move to Morewood went, and joked that she didn't get the call she was expecting to help move boxes. Dr. Burkert is my CMU mommy and I <3 her.]
On to sillier matters. Grocery shopping today was wonderful. Highlights from items purchased: edam cheese, sour pickles, haagen daz chocolate and peanut butter ice cream, blueberry waffles, risotto, and a chicken breast stuffed with pesto sauce. And let me just take this opportunity to mention that I love Murray Avenue Kosher. Everything about it is so familiar to me...every off-brand product, every hunched over old lady, and every side dish with a funny name (kasha varnishkis!). They're all Brooklyn. They're all home. The few times I've dragged friends into the store with me on the way to Giant Eagle, they've seemed very uncomfortable, and couldn't understand for the life of them why I was getting so excited about a brand of cheese (Miller's) or a box of crackers (Tam Tams). And while their lack of shared excitement can at times be disappointing, I think on some level I enjoy that that's something no one here can understand about me.
Sillier matters, sillier matters!
1. I saw a commercial for a new toy - a mechanized Care Bear doll doing calisthenics and singing, in the hopes that children will follow along. I suppose it's a creative way to address America's child obesity problem. But one of the bears (there are 3 varieties [colors? personalities? what's the right terminology to distinguish Care Bears?]) sings "Let's Get Physical," which I think is really crossing the line. I usually get upset about being old around this time of year, because all of the new toys look so cool (remember play doh's "doh doh island!?"), but this is one that I will pass on.
2. The next time I am included in a "y'all," I will kill the offender. No excuses. My leniency on this issue ends now.
3. Pinkie (my sister's hermit crab) died, most likely of boredom stemming from his inability to climb his plastic palm trees, as my sister saw Pinkie's climbing as clear determination to escape from his cage and terrorize her. Or maybe the chemicals in the paint on his shell finally seeped into his vital organs in toxic concentrations. The ridiculous possibilities are endless.
4. I may like chicken soup after all. If indeed I do, this will be even more monumental than my discovery about liking chick peas. I'll keep you posted.
And some other things...
1. It upsets me when people don't have the same recollection of moments and events that I do. The moments I tend to remember most distinctly are ones that have a great deal of emotion tied to them, and when other participants in that moment don't remember things as clearly as I do, I begin to question the validity of the strong emotions that created such a distinct memory in the first place...if the moment was such an emotionally charged one, wouldn't the other person/people involved remember it, too? Maybe I should simply avoid asking about such things to avoid finding out what people remember and what they don't, especially since it's not something I can logically hold them accountable for.
2. I am sick of involving myself in petty competitions with misguided people about silly things. I seem to do more than my fair share of this. From now on, I am going to take the high road, which involves letting them "win" and celebrate their triumph, while I move on to bigger and better things. Pettiness has always been something that annoyed me, and lately, I haven't been taking pettiness with a grain of salt and a sarcastic smirk as I have in the past. I will acknowledge it as a spectator rather than a participant. Case closed.
Wow, I've wasted a lot of time writing this. Excellent. Goodnight, all.
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[30 Nov 2004|10:53pm] |
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6. I did it again (see #2).
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[27 Nov 2004|10:12pm] |
4. I made an ass of myself for Kim's mom.
5. My pants do not fit properly. I have only been home for 3 days. Oh, goodness.
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| reasons i am pathetic |
[27 Nov 2004|04:13pm] |
1. After years of having my favorite sweatpants (red ones with light blue paint on the butt and elsewhere) fall down, I have replaced their dead elastic with kitchen string...the kind you'd tie up a roast beef with.
2. I poked a boy I do not know via facebook.
3. I cannot stop eating.
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| I'm a slacker. |
[24 Nov 2004|08:19pm] |
home for Thanksgiving, hurrah!
For the second year in a row now, Thanksgiving is much-welcomed opportunity to gain some closure and some rest from the tumult of first semester. Last year, I had just broken up with Matt. This year, I've lost a friend. Post-Thanksgiving last year were some of the best few weeks at CMU I've ever had. We'll see what's in store for me this year.
I guess the most significant event of the semester thus far has been the loss of the aformentioned friend. For the first time in my life, I said "I'm done with you" and actually meant it. And since making that decision, I have been a much happier person. Only with this person removed from my life am I able to see just how far-reaching were the effects of stress they caused. While I don't regret befriending this person in the first place, it is rather alarming to see how easily I can be manipulated. However, I'm not angry about being used. It is this person's complete lack of remorse, and her inability to take responsibility for her actions that disappoints and disgusts me. I suppose the challenge now will be not to shut myself off and revert back to my overly skeptical self. I need to continue to seek out people that I can trust, and [slowly] open up to them.
As a result of this situation, I have moved to Morewood Gardens...so far, it has been fantastic.
[I <3 Kim and Maura!]
So I'm home now. My mom framed one of my dad's photos from the lunar eclipse and left it on my bed. This morning, I went to school with my sister to visit Mrs. Friedman and the rest of the college office. And later, I convinced my dad that we needed good beer to drink with thanksgiving dinner, so he took me to the beverage distributor. Kickass. I have to study like mad during this break. Study like mad and avoid becoming a maniac and freaking out as I usually do. I need to finish the semester with strength and above all, sanity.
Next semester should be interesting. The courseload includes ochem 2, ochem lab, cell bio, pchem, and two philosophy classes. I'm thinking about taking intro french at some point...maybe next fall. Also, I'd like to get back to piano, perhaps with lessons. I think I'm going to start locking myself in the soundproof booths in Morewood...I want to master that piece I love from Amelie.
I think I've started to pay attention to boys again.
I miss Ian. I think I will always love and miss Ian.
"I'd like to be under the sea in an octopus's garden with you."
But it's time to move on.
On a related note, a late-night talk with Kim has left me feeling guilty for certain comments and actions. I guess it's a little early for new years resolutions, but from now on, I'm going to try and avoid saying or doing things that allow me to vent, but force others to dig in and wrestle down their emotions over and over again. It's not fair for me to make myself feel better by attempting to punch through the wall that they've built up. Besides...it doesn't work. And it pushes people I care about further and further away from me, and that's the last thing I want.
And on a totally unrelated note, what do we think of the new season of west wing? I'm not sure if I like it.
I think I will study bio now. Or sleep. Probably sleep.
Happy thanksgiving everybody!
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[15 Nov 2004|07:32pm] |
| [ |
music |
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seven years - norah jones |
] |
Fragile as a leaf in autumn
Just fallin' to the ground
Without a sound
Crooked little smile on her face
Tells a tale of grace
That's all her own
Spinning, laughing, dancing to her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
And she's all alone
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